7/3 - “Scare-cut”
By The Stabbing Pen | July 3, 2008
The other day during my lunchbreak at work I decided to go get a haircut at a nearby barber shop. I went to this semi-ghetto place on Sherman Way in Van Nuys. I had been there once before, and they gave me a decent haircut that time, so I figured why not return.
There were 2 barbers there currently working on other customers, so I had to patiently wait my turn. After taking an inordinate amount of time to complete a generic Mexican gangster-esque spikey cut, it was finally my turn. I sat down in the chair, and this tatted up and pierced mofo asked me what kinda cut I’d like.
I told him what I wanted and then he began the process. I should note that my chair was facing away from the mirror as he was cutting. About mid-way through the cut, I asked, “Could you spin me around so I could see what it looks like?” He replied somewhat defensively, “Why, do you think I’ll cut too much?” I said, “Nah, I just wanna see how it looks so far.”
He spun me around, and I saw that things were moving ahead smoothly. After I glanced in the mirror at myself for a moment, he quickly spun the chair back around again — away from the mirror. SO STRANGE. Maybe this guy sees himself as an artist, and doesn’t want to reveal the final work until it’s complete or something.
I see myself as paying customer who should be able to see his hair as it’s being cut. I was also a somewhat frightened customer too —- so I kept my mouth shut, waited ’til he was done, and then quietly left.
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7/2 - “Stdmatch.com”
By The Stabbing Pen | July 2, 2008
No, it’s not a real website yet, but it sure as hell should be one. Imagine that, a dating website for singles to seek out each other —- specifically others with the same STD!
Whether you have herpes or warts, the right person is out there for you. The site could even have completely private profiles, so that only others with the same disease as you could view your profile.
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7/1 - “Leave your glasses on”
By The Stabbing Pen | July 1, 2008
It could be somebody you went to school with. It could be a friend that will soon be married. Either way, let’s say this particular person wears glasses nearly all the time.
Now, it’s time for those yearbook, or wedding photos. All of a sudden her or she thinks it’s a good time to take off the glasses, just because photographs are involved. You are a glasses person, so leave your fucking glasses on. IT’S WHO YOU ARE.
Also, if you have a beard for 364 days of the year, do not shave for photographs either. Thank you. That is all.
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6/30 - “Nobody really likes cotton candy”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 30, 2008
Yes. Not even kids. It’s big, it’s pink, and it’s fluffy. But don’t be fooled.
Believe me, I could pretty much eat a bowl of sugar, which is what cotton candy essentially is. However, it is simply an awful food. Honestly, I haven’t eaten cotton candy in like 5 years, but even then I could remember thinking to myself, “Why did I buy this?”
Even worse, that shit gets your hands all sticky. Who needs that nonsense? Next time you see a cotton candy vendor at the stadium, push him down the stairs.
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6/29 - “Chasing hors d’oeuvres”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 29, 2008
Earlier today was my grandparents’ anniversary party, which consisted of me, my sister, and 26 old people. When the guests began to arrive, they all schmoozed in the lobby for a while, before entering the “main” room for lunch and dancing. At this point, the catering staff walked around with trays of hors d’oeuvres.
Meatballs, knishes (bacon or spinach available), and these amazing cheese puffs were the options. Being hungover and starving, my eyes lit up as these trays made their way around. Now, according to my sister, it is the job of the staff to stroll around the room, and bring the hors d’oeuvres to the guests.
I’m apparently not supposed to follow the trays of food around the room. THAT WOULD BE CLASSLESS.
For next time, I will be more tactful and smooth, and will follow the plan I have devised. Say there are 3 trays in the room. I will take 1, maybe 2 items off of a particular tray, and very slowly and gradually make my way towards another tray. Yet, the key is to make sure at the same time make that I’m engaged in conversation with other guests. I guess I’m supposed to make sure the other people are my priority, not the knishes.
That better?
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6/27 - “End of innocence”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 27, 2008
When the Rolling Stones hit the stage in 1969 at Altamont, the proceeding events seemed to be what most historians consider the unofficial ending of the 1960’s, and the entire hippie movement. The Stones played a free concert during this overcast day in Northern California. For some insane reason, The Hell’s Angels, a dangerous biker gang was chosen to handle security. During the show, 4 people died in scuffles.
For my generation, Generation Y (or whatever we’re called), there really isnt such a clear and defining moment that marks the end of any sort of generational “golden age.” Here’s what I came up with: In the WWF (professional wrestling), in the 1980’s there was a tag team known as “The Rockers,” consisting of Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty.
Despite never winning the tag-team titles, they were always popular, entertaining, and fan-favorites. However, trouble started to brew. Marty and Shawn began to have some issues, and it all culminated when Michaels tossed Janetty through a glass window during a segment on Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake’s Barber Shop.
From that moment on, we knew things would never be the same, and that The Rockers would officially be no more. What a pivotal moment — the end of our innocence.
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6/25 - “Enemy confusion
By The Stabbing Pen | June 25, 2008
“I’m my own worst enemy”
If you’re your own worst enemy, doesn’t that mean you have to be on pretty good terms with yourself? If you truly are constantly sabotaging yourself, would you then be your best enemy?
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6/24 - “Stupid kitty, fucking up my air mattress”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 24, 2008
Tomorrow my friend and his girlfriend arrive, and will be in LA until the end of the weekend. Looks like they’re going to stay in a nearby hotel in Silverlake, but they’re more than welcome to stay at my place. After I mentioned this as a possibility to Jeff, I soon remembered that I only have a couple of couches, and a deflated air mattress —- thanks kitty.
It took me a full day or so to realize that they could just take my bed, and I could take the couch. Whadoo I care? Anyway, so this somehow came up in conversation with my mother, and I said I could always clean the sheets after they leave. Then, my own flesh and blood assumes I’m some sort of gross and malodorous creature, and replies, “After? You better wash those sheets before those people arrive.”
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6/22 - “Jews for Jesus”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 22, 2008
I recently glanced at an article that reported that quite often “Jews for Jesus” have been facing persecution in Israel.
That sentence alone is great, because it provides 2 examples of incredible stupidity. The whole Jews for Jesus thing just seems moronic to me. I’m not an expert when it comes to theological history, or Judaism for that matter, but I’m pretty sure that the most fundamental aspect of Jewish belief is a direct contradiction to the idea there is a son of God.
It’s like being an angry Buddhist…or something like that.
The other thing is, who cares if these Jews believe in Jesus? You don’t have to consider them real Jews, and are more than free to laugh at them — which I actually encourage. It appears true that some Orthodox Jews were responsible for a March 20th bombing that occurred at a “Jews for Jesus” church in Jerusalem. Not nice.
Acts of violence are not what real Jews are about. Talking about people behind their backs and making fun of them is. Let’s stick with that.
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6/21 - “Link rules”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 21, 2008
A lot of information these days is surely exchanged via a simple Internet link sent directly from one person to another. Whether it be a link in an email, Myspace/Facebook message, or even in an instant message, it’s a major part of how we communicate and exchange information.
Some people take this ability to an excess.
Links should only be used to:
A) send them something relevent to your relationship with him/her
B) send something you feel they have a genuine interest in
C) introduce something (not everything) you have passion for to him/her
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6/20 - “I don’t get it, but then again I’ve never tried it”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 20, 2008
I’m talking about Pink’s Hot Dog stand over on La Brea and Melrose. You’d think after living in the area for 4 years now, and being a hot dog person, that I’d have ventured over there by now. Every single time I pass by that place there is a huge wrap-around line of people waiting — for a fucking hot dog. I don’t get it.
The other issue is that I’m a loyal person, and I don’t want to cheat on Nathan’s with another historical hot dog entity. My biggest issue with Pink’s more than anything is I’ve always wondered where all those people standing on line park. La Brea and Melrose are main roads with typically only minimal street parking nearby. WHERE DO THEY COME FROM?
Is there a Pink’s lot or garage somewhere that I don’t know about?
http://www.johnnyjet.com/images/picfornewsletter5182003LAPinks1.jpg
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6/18 - “Just let her pee in her pants like a normal kid”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 18, 2008
Last night, my friend Lance and I were watching that America’s Got Talent show. One of the contestants was a female singer — who was fucking 4 years old. Although she was extremely precious and actually did have some talent as far as singing goes, she could barely pronounce words. This girl didn’t appear nervous, and seemed to be having fun up there.
However, she also probably had no idea what she was singing about (Somewhere Out There was the song). Seriously, even if this girl is a talent, does she really need to be on television at such a young age? Fucking parents. The defense the father probably has for this is, “But she really does enjoy it.” SHE’S 4 YEARS OLD. She doesn’t know shit about anything. Please, no putting children on TV until they are at least able to spell their name.
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6/17 - “Church parking”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 17, 2008
I was driving past that large church over on Franklin in Hollywood, and I noticed that for a fee, people attending shows at the nearby Hollywood Bowl could park there.
Not that every single show at the Hollywood Bowl is an AC/DC concert, or some sort of other Satanic worship event, but still…
With churches these days even going so far as to condemn Halloween, should they really be supporting rock concerts just to make a few extra bucks?
BLASPHEMY!
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6/16 - “Conversational road signs”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 16, 2008
Recently, I was driving on the 405 south headed towards the 10. Right about where these two freeways meet, I started to glance at the signs. Above one lane, there is a sign, “10.” Needing to get on to the 10 east, I hopped into that lane.
Then, I noticed a sign above the lane directly to my left. This one said “10 OK”
“OK?” So awesome. Thanks for the reassurance. I can’t wait until I see more signs like this.
“101 North, It’s all good”
“La Cienega, no way fella”
“134 East, ride on”
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6/15 - “You never gonna get this, but I’ll drink that thank you”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 15, 2008
There was that one time me and some friends found ourselves in a “trendy” downtown New York City bar, only to soon ask ourselves the question, “Why are there photographs of penises all over the walls?”
I guess yesterday afternoon is what I consider my first time ever going to a gay bar (on purpose). Gay men never ever hit on me. I just send out such powerful vibes of manliness, testosterone, and just the general appearance that I am super-secure with my heterosexuality.
That being said, this muscular black man made a pass at me anyway. He told me that I was gorgeous, had gorgeous eyes, and offered to buy me a drink. I told him I was straight, and not to buy me a drink. He bought me one anyway. I CAN’T HELP IT IF I’M SO DAMN CHARMING.
Maybe that will be my new thing — pre-gaming/getting free drinks at gay bars. I’m such a tease.
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6/14 - “I still plan to sue Excalibur”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 14, 2008
Quick story from the recent Vegas trip —- My first bet from that weekend was at the Roulette table. I put money on “Even,” and the ball proceeded land on #12. However, the dealer failed to realize that the wheel itself never actually spun. He re-spun the wheel, and the ball of course did not land on an even number after that.
My bet and win didn’t count. Rather than make a scene over a $10 bet, I let this one slide. What is the actual rule though? If the wheel doesn’t spin, but the ball does, and then lands in a slot, do the bets still not count?
Whatever. This wasn’t justice.
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6/12 - “People who think they can find anything on the Internet IV”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 12, 2008
Everybody has been told (probably by your mother) that eat carrots actually improve vision. Oh yeah, how drastically? Of course, I Wiki’d it, and did some minmal googling. A couple of seemingly legitimate sites mentioned that consuming carrots (due large contents of a vitamin A) not only is good for vision, but specifically night vision.
Stevie Wonder would still be completely blind, even if he himself ate 40,000 carrots within a 2 month period. WHERE IS THE PROOF? Has there been a scientific study done about this? Like I said, I’m way too lazy to pursue the answers to these questions on my own, but if you can come up with a scientific study done about carrots and the relationship to human vision, it’d be much appreciated.
Oh, and find something that I can easily follow and understand.
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6/11 - “Tough to delete selected texts”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 11, 2008
I’m not the most popular person in the universe. But even so, I have to pretty frequently erase text messages from the inbox on my phone, in order make room for future texts. Sometimes I find it challenging to actually pull the trigger and delete certain messages from friends. For example…
- a drunken text from someone telling me I’m near the top of their “favorite people list”
- a text from someone while a random girl he just had sex with will soon emerge from the bathroom
- a concerned/sarcastic text from someone telling me not to drown myself in the pool
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6/10 - “Leftover globs”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 10, 2008
This is sort of general. It could be a ketchup glob on the side of your plate when you eat French fries. It could be the left over honey when you have your chicken nuggets. Ever eat a slice of cake, and find that at some point the only thing remaining on your plate is whipped cream?
I get the feeling that society doesn’t want me to consume any “left-over condiments,” or “globs” left on my plate. It’s okay to eat whipped cream as long as it’s attached to some actual cake, but somehow it’s wrong to just stick my fork into a pile of leftover whipped cream and then shovel it down my gullet.
I’m not sure what my point is here, but I’ve always believed that there’s something satisfying about a completely empty plate after eating — and just sometimes getting to that point involves eating a glob of barbecue sauce.
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6/9 - “Worst gift ever and I need it”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 9, 2008
What’s the all-time worst piece-of-shit gift that you could possibly give someone? If you guessed a key chain, you’d be correct. First of all, a key chain is a typically cheap item, and it’s usually something somebody owns already. “Gee, thanks for this key chain.”
For the first time in my entire life though, I think I need a new key chain. Recently, my car key slipped off my current ‘chain. Luckily somebody found it and submitted it to the office in my apartment building. Last night, the car key once again slipped off the ‘chain and fell to the ground. These two incidents have made me realize it’s time for a new key chain.
So, if you’re going to Disneyland or to a souvenir shop on Hollywood Blvd anytime soon, I’ve made shopping for me insanely easy (for you).
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6/8 - “See, it wasn’t me”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 8, 2008
It was definitely nice to hear that a girl I used to have a crush on is now an out-of-the-closet lesbian. It wasn’t my fault nothing ever happened. I never had a chance with her.
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6/6 - “Keep speed addicts around for rides”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 6, 2008
I know very little bit about the drug, other than that truckers heading from Miami, Florida to Portland, Oregon couldn’t survive without it.
I don’t know any truck drivers, but if I can’t get a cab back home from the bar during a late night, I might still be in luck.
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6/5 - “I guess the health teacher forgot to mention that one”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 5, 2008
I remember back in what I believe was elementary school, our AIDS education got under way. The most crucial thing to learn was how one could acquire the virus.
Unprotected sex
Sharing needles
Blood transfusion
I remember those 3 possibilities being the most crucial to learn…
What about if you’re a cannibal and you eat somebody with AIDS?
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6/4 - “More on covers”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 4, 2008
A gay co-worker and I were recently discussing bars/clubs. I mentioned how often women get into places for free, or get significant discounts.I then asked him how this works in the gay community.
He replied, “Yes Adam, bottoms get into places for free.”
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6/3 - “Add that to the iCal”
By The Stabbing Pen | June 3, 2008
These days at work, everything that involves scheduling goes through iCal, Mac’s calendar software. Also noted on there is if a staff member is on vacation, has a doctor’s appointment, etc.
With the majority of my co-workers being female, I think that they all should mark on the iCal when their periods will occur. This way, I can be prepared (and not startled), by any moodiness or other odd behavior. I’m not sexist, and not every woman becomes psychotic during this special time, but I don’t think some advance warning is completely unreasonable.
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