9/7 - “At least it was while he was alive”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 7, 2008
Almost in every scenario, people are more likely to have something named after them in death, so they never get to witness the actual honor itself. There are rare exceptions (Tony Gwynn Drive).
According to Blair’s roommate Jamie, Lou Gehrig had the disease named after him while he was alive. However, I can’t imagine naming the illness after him offered any sort of consolation as he was rapidly approaching his inevitable death.
“Hey Lou, you are so fucked up that we don’t even know what you have. In fact, we’re gonna name this disease after you.”
“Thanks doc, you’ve made me feel like I’m the luckiest man on earth.”
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9/5 - “Extras and craft service for really really low budget films”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 5, 2008
Here’s what you do. Depending on what’s required for wardrobe, just bring in homeless people to be extras. They’ll get hungry on set, so then you feed (some of) them to each other. Of course, you’ll need more homeless people to replace the previously eaten ones, but they’re around.
This solves two things at once and could definitely work.
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9/4 - “Stupid answer to a stupid question”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 4, 2008
In a recent survey I heard about on the radio, it was stated that the majority of people would rather be stuck on an island with their pet, rather than their significant other. After mentioning this study, the broadcaster concluded with, “Wow. That’s scary.”
NOT SCARY AT ALL. For one thing, this is a moronic survey. Most hypothetical situations that begin with “If you were stuck on an island…” are moronic themselves. I think people should they actually be faced with this situation in real life would ALWAYS choose their spouse over their pet. If not their spouse, definitely another human being. Pets are useless, other than maybe offering some protection or the ability to find/hunt/kill potential some food. But yes, overwhelmingly another human being would be way more valuable.
Who in their right mind would take this survey question seriously anyway? Answering with “my pet,” is of course the hip/cute/funny answer…to an incredibly stupid question.
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9/2 - “Compromise in the workplace”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 2, 2008
My (homosexual) co-worker Chris and I recently had a conversation that went something like this:
Chris: With our increasing workload, I think we’re gonna need a new intern soon.
Me: Yes. A hot girl.
Chris: With big boobs.
Catching myself and wanting to be fair, I replied with….
Me: And a penis.
Chris: Yes, a big dick.
I mean, a tranny/chick with a dick isn’t my preference for an intern, but I’m willing to make compromises. Besides, he’d likely never see the dick in the workplace, whereas cleavage/boobs are much more easily viewabe.
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9/1 - “Still don’t understand the restaurant grading system”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 1, 2008
What is the difference between an A and B for a restaurant? Either the place is clean, or it’s not. Pass or fail. I don’t get it.
Does a B- mean the inspector found 2 rats in the kitchen? Does a B or B+ mean only 1 rat was spotted? I suppose any place that gets an A- or A means no rats or rodents, and only minimal insects visible.
And what about dead rats and dead insects in the kitchen? Do these count as deductions? I mean, if these animals are already dead, then what harm can they do!
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8/31 - “How to impress me at Karaoke”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 31, 2008
When it comes to karaoke, and as a performer you aim to please the crowd, there’s really only two ways to go about it. You can simply sing well. If you are somewhat talented, and actually have a halfway decent voice, getting a good reaction is a pretty safe bet.
The other option is to admit to yourself that you’re a horrible singer, and use your stage presence (antics) to get the crowd’s attention. Don’t just stand there singing horribly, and drunkenly giggling through your song. THAT BORES ME.
Even worse, do not choose a rap song to do karaoke. These don’t make for good singalongs, and I’m not impressed by your ability to remember and recite a lot of lyrics.
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8/30 - “Quick question about the selection of Sarah Palin”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 30, 2008
Not that I claim to be any sort of expert political analyst, but as far as McCain’s selection of this woman as his running mate is concerned, it baffles me. It’s not so much that choosing a woman is the issue, it’s just that she is the governor of Alaska.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but a lot of what the Republicans have been pushing is that Obama isn’t “experienced” enough to run our country. What about Sarah Palin? McCain is not exactly a youngster. This country could be one old-man heart attack away from having a woman who’s never even worked in Washington before running the show.
ICE FISHING AND AMATEUR MODELING ARE NOT PRESIDENTIAL QUALIFICATIONS.
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8/28 - “Skateboarding age limit”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 28, 2008
This is an issue I’m torn over. For me, I typically associate skateboarding with rebellious teens who like to hang out anywhere there are outdoor stairs. However, lately I’ve been spotting some older people skateboarding around. I’m talking guys in their mid to late 30’s, if not even older.
On one hand, I have no problem with this. They are doing something they enjoy for recreation and exercise. Why should age have anything to do skateboarding? In fact, I’d be somewhat of a hypocrite to criticize. I enjoy rollerblading, and have made such bold statements proclaiming that I plan to do that well into my 80’s.
On the other hand, you guys need to grow up. Stop trying to be cool and recapture your youth. You’re old. Get a car, a bike, or just walk to places please. I think maybe what it comes down to is not so much older guys skateboarding, but their appearance when they do so. If they are obviously trying to “hip it up,” I could become enraged — but if it’s clear it’s some regular Joe, that just happens to enjoy a nice weekend afternoon by skateboarding, I’m cool with it.
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8/27 - “All I want is a nearby Walmart so clean that I can eat off it’s floors”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 27, 2008
I think it’s one of the most annoying things when people make blanket statements about how much they hate Walmart. Walmart is Satan, the Antichrist, and the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler all rolled into one. It just seems like Target (Tar-zhay ), which is just a smaller Walmart with slightly higher prices, steals all the cachet when it comes to superstores.
Many people I talk to give me the impression that all employees of Walmart are paid $3.50 and hour, and are whipped (with a whip) regularly by their supervisors. Believe it or not, a co-worker of mine told me how she worked at Walmart for 8 years, and “loved it.” SHE MUST HAVE BEEN BRAINWASHED. She made the point that the quality of the job likely depends on which particular store you’re employed by.
That brings me to my next point. My biggest issue with Walmart is not really their corporate desire for world domination, but rather the fact there isn’t a quality store in the the greater Los Angeles area. Sure there’s one in Van Nuys, but that place is a complete shithole. The other only option is over on Crenshaw Blvd, but my sources have told me that place, similar to the Van Nuys store, apparently is in a constant state of appearance that makes it seem like an earthquake occurred in the previous minutes.
Suggestion —- knock down the nearby Scientology Center and put up a Walmart (a clean one).
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8/26 - “Tuxedo t-shirts”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 26, 2008
We’ve all seen those tuxedo t-shirts with the bow-tie and dress shirt buttons printed right on the front. I was wondering, are these shirts still funny, and if not, were they ever? I suppose the first time somebody wore one to a formal event, it was probably awesome and hilarious, but in 2008?
Wearing these shirts to work (even if a casual environment), or just in your daily life is just sort of dumb at this point. I suggest you do what I do with all my old t-shirts that I refuse to throw out —— wear them to either work out in, or to sleep in.
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8/25 - “Bathroom attendants”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 25, 2008
I’m talking about those guys at the bar/club/lounge that hand you the paper towel after you’ve finished washing your hands. Listen buddy, everybody should have a right to make a buck, but I’ve been getting my own paper towels out of the dispenser probably since I’ve been 4 years old.
I have no problem with offering/selling any of the items in there —– gum, cigarettes, etc. If I were to ever use a spray of the cologne on the counter, I suppose a tip would be in order — but don’t fucking hand me something I can get myself, and then try to make me feel guilty for not tipping you.
As they hand me the paper towel, they always give me that same sad look and nod. I can’t wait til the day when instead of handing me the paper towel, there’s a guy there pressing the button on the electric hand dryer for me.
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8/23 - “Once you give ‘em money, you can say anything”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 23, 2008
I passed by this guy who I assumed was homeless, and in a rare moment of jovial generosity, I happened to have some change in my pocket I choose to give to him. This guy was wearing a Raiders shirt, and since I gave him money, I figured this gives me free reign to talk shit about the Raiders.
I mean, if this guy wasn’t going to allow me to rip the Raiders, I would have asked for my money back!
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8/21 - “Good season, can count the humiliations on one hand”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 21, 2008
Well, our LA Parks Department Double-A Recreation baseball team, the Blue Sox, have finally reached the conclusion to our season. We finished 9-6, and made the playoffs — not a bad season. However, I can still recall 3 moments of intense humiliation from it.
The first one is the most obvious. I’m referring to our 12-0 loss, which was our quick exit out of the first round of the playoffs.
I can’t forget my wonderful 0 for 5 game early in the season either, in which I struck out 4 times, and popped out in my final at-bat. In an effort to achieve some form of symmetry, I was sure to strike out twice swinging, and also twice looking. It was a “feng shui golden sombrero.” I just couldn’t hit the pitcher’s curveball at all, and every time I took it, it was a strike.
As much as I’ve been trying to forget that, it doesn’t even compare to taking a shit in the bathroom at the Algin Sutton field. I mean, I wouldn’t necessarily describe the surrounding area as the ghetto — but it was definitely in that vicinity.
THERE WERE NO STALL DOORS. It wasn’t an ideal situation, but I had to go. There was no choice. There’s an obvious reason why I don’t want to join the military. I also intend on avoiding any time spent in prison.
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8/20 - “Judges? It’s a snack”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 20, 2008
I know it’s only day 1, but for the purposes of common sense and efficiency, I decided to actually bring groceries to work. I made my own Caesar Salad. Pre-bagged Romaine lettuce, frozen microwavable chicken, low fat (but still creamy dressing), bag of croutons, and some Kraft Parmesan cheese.
There’s no need to store the croutons in the refrigerator, and since I didn’t store them in cabinets in the kitchen either, I just kept them by desk. About an hour after lunch, I reached for the croutons, and popped a couple in my mouth.
Have we not all become such zombies? We actually think that just because a particular food is sold in a particular aisle, it can’t be a snack. Croutons are pretty much crackers but more dense and less two dimensional.
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8/19 - “Newsweek made me laugh”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 19, 2008
I was at the check out line at the supermarket and glanced at the latest issue of Newsweek on the rack. The cover read, “What Bush Got Right.” Intrigued, I picked up the magazine. I noticed right away how extremely thin this particular issue was. The reason for that is pretty obvious.
In Newsweek’s defense, it did mention on the cover that it was the first of a 2-part issue.
I don’t know about you, but I would still rather live in 1 mansion, as opposed to owning 2 cardboard boxes.
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8/18 - “No public restrooms”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 18, 2008
“Oh, I’m sorry the restrooms are for customers only.”
“Unfortunately I can only allow you to use the bathroom if you buy something.”
Fuck you. Fuck you in the backside until you bleed profusely. To me, this is one of the all-time worst business policies that is all too commonplace. Listen, I understand if a smelly homeless person, a strung-out crack addict, or even a dangerous minority (just kidding, relax) want to use the bathroom — and a business operator doesn’t want to let them.
That being said, 90% of the time it’s just a regular human being — that just happens to have to pee really bad. Maybe this time I don’t want to buy some piece of shit your store sells, and maybe this time I’m not in the mood for whatever cuisine your restaurant serves. But when your time finally does come up, don’t expect my business.
In the end, just be happy I don’t urinate on your property like that kid in Big Daddy.
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8/17 - “Bad name for a party”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 17, 2008
My friend has to come up with the title of a party for an upcoming evite, so this got me wondering. If there is some sort of party being planned that is going to be gay themed, and mostly everyone at the party will be gay, it could be, but likely won’t be called “Gay Bash 2008.”
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8/16 - “Who cares about swimming anyway, I guess”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 16, 2008
I was watching ESPNews at about 7:40pm West coast time, and they mentioned that Michael Phelps would be going for his 7th gold medal in about 6 minutes. Sitting on the couch doing nothing, I said to myself, “Damn, I wanna watch that.” So, I flipped to NBC, where “Access Hollywood: Live from the Olympics” was on. Scanning through the guide, I saw that the Oxygen Network had Olympics coverage.
I switched over to that channel only to see Bela Karolyi, Mary Lou Retton, and some other person I don’t know having a roundtable-type discussion—instead of Phelps stretching before his next big race. The guide indicated NBC’s coverage wasn’t to start until 8pm.
I understand that with the Olympics in China, events often can’t be aired live for me. However, in this case, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to watch this dumb race live at 7:46pm.
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8/14 - “Legendary cluelessness”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 14, 2008
First semester freshman year at college, my schedule required me to take an academic elective. I signed up for Polysci: State and Local Governments. Not really completely understanding how the whole college thing works yet, I found myself at the bookstore purchasing the necessary materials for the class. I purchased the class reader.
The semester went by, and I found myself studying for the final with a classmate of mine. Suddenly, he pulls out a book. I then asked, “What’s that?” He told me it was the textbook for the class. “Textbook!?”
In essence, not only did I never purchase the textbook for the class, I had no idea there even was one. No wonder the assigned pages in the syllabus never seemed to match up with those in the reader. It wasn’t done with flying colors necessarily, but I’m glad to say I passed that class.
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8/13 - “Let’s see some poor sports(wo)manship”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 13, 2008
It looks like this is going to be the final Olympics that’s going to feature women’s softball as an event. Also, this is the last Olympics with baseball. Since the United States does not dominate in baseball, I’m not sure what the motivation is to get rid of it as an event. Getting rid of softball is a clear example of anti-Americanism and probably anti-feminism.
Since the inception of women’s softball in the Olympics, our U.S. American women have never lost a single game. Gee, it’s no wonder the world wants to get rid of the sport — because they all fucking suck at it.
Our country is so far beyond pretty much every other one in the world in terms of popularity and accessibility of women’s athletics. In fact, in our bizarr-o homeland, we often actually take money away from men’s athletic programs, and put it into women’s sports (but that’s for a different post).
Anyway, I think anytime an American softball player hits a homerun in these games, she should stand and admire it from home plate, then Cadillac it around the bases to the highest degree possible. Showboat and talk as much shit as you want — and dedicate these antics to the I.O.C. (International Olympic Committee)
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8/12 - “BFF’s, TBF’s, and terrible logic”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 12, 2008
Recently at a party, my friend Sheila was explaining her BFF philosophies to me. It was probably one of the more ridiculous explanations I’ve heard for anything in quite a while. I think she told me that I was her BFF, as well as was pretty much everyone else in the kitchen at the time.
Once you become her friend, you become a BFF. THAT DEFEATS THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF A BFF. How can many people be the best at something? How can every single one of her friends be her best friend?
Then I asked her about her childhood friends and who she’s known the longest. She referred to them as her “True Best Friends.” TBF’s?
Who knows? She claims this system works out for her, but to any logical person it makes absolutely no sense. Most normal people have a best friend (maybe even a couple, or a few of them), good friends, friends, and acquaintances.
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8/11 - “Has actress Mary Steenburgen had plastic surgery?”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 11, 2008
I don’t know for sure, and while I don’t really care, I’m certainly curious. For the most part plastic surgery is gross, and especially so when it’s done to the face.
However, I wonder if I have been duped by Mary Steenburgen. She’s in her mid 50’s. Maybe she’s a genetic freak? Perhaps she was genetically altered at a young age. I could do all sorts of speculating based on Internet research, and by watching her in movies and on TV, but without meeting her in person, I’m never going to know the truth.
Without seeing and speaking to her directly, I don’t know what to believe. WHEN DO I GET TO DO MY MARY STEENBURGEN INTERVIEW?
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8/9 - “Why do some people want to knock me down from my high?”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 9, 2008
When the New York football Jets acquired Brett Favre earlier in the week, I was instantly thrilled. Of course, Favre is 38, had poor seasons in 2 of the last 3 years, and will have to learn a new system with the Jets. That all being said, anybody who doesn’t see this as a clear upgrade for the team at the quarterback positon is clearly blind and very foolish. The Jets haven’t really had a good quarterback since I’ve been watching football, so don’t criticize me for getting excited about Favre.
These same assholes who seem want to highlight all the reasons things might not work out with Favre, are the same people who will tell you the test was easy, should you get an A on it. As a Jets fan, I’ve been eating shit for a quarter century. Now, finally, somebody has served me a gourmet meal. Why must you give me reasons why I might not enjoy it?
Brett Favre isn’t food, but he is a QB who will hopefully throw lots of touchdowns. 
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8/8 - “Can retards — uh, the mentally challenged vote?”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 8, 2008
Of course, I haven’t done any research, but I assume that anybody over the age of 18 is eligible to vote in elections. But if you’re over 18, and have the mental capacity of a 3 year old, I don’t really think you should be allowed to. Toddlers can’t vote, so I would assume that adult toddlers can’t either.
I mean, I have no problem with the dude from LA Law voting, but Wendy the Retard from the Howard Stern Show should stay away from the voting booth. But who knows? We let blacks, women, and gays vote, so I guess everyone should be allowed.
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8/7 - “I have another call coming in, hold on”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 7, 2008
For how long? 15 seconds? a minute? 5 or 10 minutes? HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO WAIT BEFORE I CAN HANG UP? What if it’s an important call (business or a girl), and I don’t have your number? Fuck, I guess I gotta hang on.
You better not forget that I’m waiting. You probably shoulda just said you’ll call me back in a little bit.
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