9/23 - “Ah, I feel better”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 23, 2008
Sometimes when we bump into somebody we’ve met before, and have forgotten their name, it can be obvious to this other person. We humans are never more relieved than when it’s confirmed they’ve forgotten our name too!
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9/21 - “What else is on the menu, bitch?”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 21, 2008
Heather Mills recently donated a MILLION DOLLARS worth of vegan food to a poor neighborhood. Seemingly a nice gesture, but is that all that is available? Are those below the poverty line typically vegans? How many “new age” homeless people have you come across?
Heather Mills wants you to be healthy. Whatever. Soy (which her food probably contains), when eaten in large and frequent amounts causes “man-boobs.” I don’t know about you, but I pretty much already hate poor people, and definitely don’t want them to have man-boobs. She has the money, Jesus. At least give these people some dignity and some reasonable options dammit —instead of torturing them for what in all likelihood is some kinda bizarre personal agenda.
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9/20 - “Not a pedophile!”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 20, 2008
Another story from the film set —- In this particular scene I was at a wedding, and sitting at a table with 3 or 4 other people. In the midst of an intense debate between Wendy’s and In & Out Burger, I confessed my affection for 13 year old red-headed girls. I was referring to the cartoon girl from the fast-food chain’s logo, and OBVIOUSLY I WAS KIDDING AROUND.
Right on cue, I completely forgot that the scene takes place at a wedding, and I just happened to be sitting at a table with “one of the cousins” ——– a 13 year old red-headed girl. WHOOPS.
Luckily, she didn’t hear me. Hopefully, I’ll never jokingly confess my love for Ronald McDonald with another clown in close proximity.
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9/18 - “More on quarters / retarded soda machine from heaven”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 18, 2008
When I was recently trying to hunt down some quarters for laundry, I recalled a “trick” we used to do in college. Inside my residence hall during my freshman year there was a soda machine on the 2nd floor. I’m not quite sure if the following applies to many machines, but if it does, I hope I’m not ruining this secret for all that have been benefiting from it.
Quite simply, first you slide a dollar into slot. Next (when nobody is looking), unplug the machine itself. Then, after a few seconds, plug the machine back in. Hit the “receive change” button, and voila! —- your dollar will spit back out…as well as your 25 cents change this dumb machine thinks it owes you. I love(d) it.
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9/17 - “Change for the sake of change?”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 17, 2008
Needing a few quarters to play pool at the Barney’s Beanery, I slipped a couple of dollar bills into the change machine. As the quarters were spouting out, some guy in the vicinity pointed out to me that there is a slot to put in quarters too.
Maybe we were both missing something, but what the hell is the point of that? Putting in quarters to get quarters back? Then I had the thought that maybe the slot was for nickels and dimes, in order to exchange those for quarters, but the guy I was talking to said that wasn’t the case either.
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9/15 - “Alternative fundraisers”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 15, 2008
Usually people will run for charity, or even ride their bike. “For each mile I go, I ask that you donate a small amount that will go toward cancer (or whatever) research. Certainly I would consider it a win-win situation since the individual participating is getting exercise, and money is going to a worthy cause.
In actuality though, it’s really most important that the money gets to the people who need it most. So what’s the point of running at all?
For me, I would prefer to challenge myself in another way to raise money. What about watching TV for charity? Perhaps listening to music? If I watch 270+ episodes of Cheers in a row, or listen to the entire Beatles discography (in one sitting), all I’m asking is that you give me a few bucks for each episode/song. It’s for a good cause!
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9/14 - “Robot orgy”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 14, 2008
This weekend I volunteered to help a friend out by being an extra in a movie he’s currently filming. The film mostly takes place during a wedding, and one of my duties was to dance during a few scenes. In a scene which apparently required 15 takes, a group of others and myself were asked to do “the robot.”
It was late in the day, and I think most of the cast and crew were becoming tired and somewhat delirious. I think so because by about take #13, a “robot orgy” had ensued. One girl was giving a robot-blowjob to a guy who was sticking his robot thumb up my ass. At the same time, I was robot-spanking a girl who was being robot-fingered by a guy who was giving a girl robot-doggie — that same girl that was robot-blowing.
Sick people. Perhaps a diagram was necessary for all this.
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9/13 - “Right back where I started from”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 13, 2008
I know it’s only because of man-made geographical borders, but I always through it was pretty ridiculous that when I used to drive up to college in Syracuse, NY from Long Island, the route itself was fairly ridiculous.
I would start off in Long Island, NY, then go through New Jersey, then through Pennsylvania, and then end up back in NY. Seems sort of crazy go through 2 states just to end up where I originally started.
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9/12 - “Carson Daly defies logic”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 12, 2008
The one human being on planet earth that actually looks better less skinny.
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9/11 - “The worst thing you can do is fart”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 11, 2008
Recently somebody passed me a link to this product:
http://www.thrillist.com/archives/2008/09/subtle_butt_la_los_angeles_gadgets_grooming.html
You stick it between your butt cheeks and it filters the odor released when you fart.
GOD FORBID SOMEBODY SMELLS YOUR FART. THE WORLD WILL END. THE EARTH WILL CRUMBLE. YOU WILL NEVER GET LAID AGAIN. YOU WILL GET FIRED FROM YOUR JOB. NOBODY WILL LIKE YOU. YOU WILL BE OSTRACIZED FROM THE COMMUNITY.
If a person is really farting that often and they stink that much, they oughta see a doctor as opposed to doing the typically American thing —— attempting to cover it up with a piece of shit product.
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9/9 - “We’re all addicted to Krackel”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 9, 2008
With Halloween not all that far away, I figured why not share some thoughts about candy. Anytime there is bag of mini-Hershey’s chocolates nearby, the same eating pattern always becomes evident.
A bag typically consists Hershey’s milk chocolate, dark chocolate, mr. Goodbar, and Krackel. 99% of the time, all the “Krackels” will be gone first, usually within minutes. PEOPLE LOVE KRACKEL. That is all.
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9/8 - “Breaking down video with Bill Belichick”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 8, 2008
With the NFL season in full swing and football on the mind, I’ve come up with a wonderful concept that I wish I had the means follow through on. An important part of game preparation in the past few decades has undoubtedly been the “breaking down,” of game film for purposes of reviewing what went right with the team, but probably more important what went wrong —- What plays worked well and what plays didn’t, how to prepare for the next “match-up.”
This should exist for when I meet girls. If I could watch the tape later, study her body language, my body language, and what “angle” I took, I think this would prove to be very beneficial to the development of my “skills.”
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9/7 - “At least it was while he was alive”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 7, 2008
Almost in every scenario, people are more likely to have something named after them in death, so they never get to witness the actual honor itself. There are rare exceptions (Tony Gwynn Drive).
According to Blair’s roommate Jamie, Lou Gehrig had the disease named after him while he was alive. However, I can’t imagine naming the illness after him offered any sort of consolation as he was rapidly approaching his inevitable death.
“Hey Lou, you are so fucked up that we don’t even know what you have. In fact, we’re gonna name this disease after you.”
“Thanks doc, you’ve made me feel like I’m the luckiest man on earth.”
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9/5 - “Extras and craft service for really really low budget films”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 5, 2008
Here’s what you do. Depending on what’s required for wardrobe, just bring in homeless people to be extras. They’ll get hungry on set, so then you feed (some of) them to each other. Of course, you’ll need more homeless people to replace the previously eaten ones, but they’re around.
This solves two things at once and could definitely work.
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9/4 - “Stupid answer to a stupid question”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 4, 2008
In a recent survey I heard about on the radio, it was stated that the majority of people would rather be stuck on an island with their pet, rather than their significant other. After mentioning this study, the broadcaster concluded with, “Wow. That’s scary.”
NOT SCARY AT ALL. For one thing, this is a moronic survey. Most hypothetical situations that begin with “If you were stuck on an island…” are moronic themselves. I think people should they actually be faced with this situation in real life would ALWAYS choose their spouse over their pet. If not their spouse, definitely another human being. Pets are useless, other than maybe offering some protection or the ability to find/hunt/kill potential some food. But yes, overwhelmingly another human being would be way more valuable.
Who in their right mind would take this survey question seriously anyway? Answering with “my pet,” is of course the hip/cute/funny answer…to an incredibly stupid question.
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9/2 - “Compromise in the workplace”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 2, 2008
My (homosexual) co-worker Chris and I recently had a conversation that went something like this:
Chris: With our increasing workload, I think we’re gonna need a new intern soon.
Me: Yes. A hot girl.
Chris: With big boobs.
Catching myself and wanting to be fair, I replied with….
Me: And a penis.
Chris: Yes, a big dick.
I mean, a tranny/chick with a dick isn’t my preference for an intern, but I’m willing to make compromises. Besides, he’d likely never see the dick in the workplace, whereas cleavage/boobs are much more easily viewabe.
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9/1 - “Still don’t understand the restaurant grading system”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 1, 2008
What is the difference between an A and B for a restaurant? Either the place is clean, or it’s not. Pass or fail. I don’t get it.
Does a B- mean the inspector found 2 rats in the kitchen? Does a B or B+ mean only 1 rat was spotted? I suppose any place that gets an A- or A means no rats or rodents, and only minimal insects visible.
And what about dead rats and dead insects in the kitchen? Do these count as deductions? I mean, if these animals are already dead, then what harm can they do!
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8/31 - “How to impress me at Karaoke”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 31, 2008
When it comes to karaoke, and as a performer you aim to please the crowd, there’s really only two ways to go about it. You can simply sing well. If you are somewhat talented, and actually have a halfway decent voice, getting a good reaction is a pretty safe bet.
The other option is to admit to yourself that you’re a horrible singer, and use your stage presence (antics) to get the crowd’s attention. Don’t just stand there singing horribly, and drunkenly giggling through your song. THAT BORES ME.
Even worse, do not choose a rap song to do karaoke. These don’t make for good singalongs, and I’m not impressed by your ability to remember and recite a lot of lyrics.
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8/30 - “Quick question about the selection of Sarah Palin”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 30, 2008
Not that I claim to be any sort of expert political analyst, but as far as McCain’s selection of this woman as his running mate is concerned, it baffles me. It’s not so much that choosing a woman is the issue, it’s just that she is the governor of Alaska.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but a lot of what the Republicans have been pushing is that Obama isn’t “experienced” enough to run our country. What about Sarah Palin? McCain is not exactly a youngster. This country could be one old-man heart attack away from having a woman who’s never even worked in Washington before running the show.
ICE FISHING AND AMATEUR MODELING ARE NOT PRESIDENTIAL QUALIFICATIONS.
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8/28 - “Skateboarding age limit”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 28, 2008
This is an issue I’m torn over. For me, I typically associate skateboarding with rebellious teens who like to hang out anywhere there are outdoor stairs. However, lately I’ve been spotting some older people skateboarding around. I’m talking guys in their mid to late 30’s, if not even older.
On one hand, I have no problem with this. They are doing something they enjoy for recreation and exercise. Why should age have anything to do skateboarding? In fact, I’d be somewhat of a hypocrite to criticize. I enjoy rollerblading, and have made such bold statements proclaiming that I plan to do that well into my 80’s.
On the other hand, you guys need to grow up. Stop trying to be cool and recapture your youth. You’re old. Get a car, a bike, or just walk to places please. I think maybe what it comes down to is not so much older guys skateboarding, but their appearance when they do so. If they are obviously trying to “hip it up,” I could become enraged — but if it’s clear it’s some regular Joe, that just happens to enjoy a nice weekend afternoon by skateboarding, I’m cool with it.
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8/27 - “All I want is a nearby Walmart so clean that I can eat off it’s floors”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 27, 2008
I think it’s one of the most annoying things when people make blanket statements about how much they hate Walmart. Walmart is Satan, the Antichrist, and the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler all rolled into one. It just seems like Target (Tar-zhay ), which is just a smaller Walmart with slightly higher prices, steals all the cachet when it comes to superstores.
Many people I talk to give me the impression that all employees of Walmart are paid $3.50 and hour, and are whipped (with a whip) regularly by their supervisors. Believe it or not, a co-worker of mine told me how she worked at Walmart for 8 years, and “loved it.” SHE MUST HAVE BEEN BRAINWASHED. She made the point that the quality of the job likely depends on which particular store you’re employed by.
That brings me to my next point. My biggest issue with Walmart is not really their corporate desire for world domination, but rather the fact there isn’t a quality store in the the greater Los Angeles area. Sure there’s one in Van Nuys, but that place is a complete shithole. The other only option is over on Crenshaw Blvd, but my sources have told me that place, similar to the Van Nuys store, apparently is in a constant state of appearance that makes it seem like an earthquake occurred in the previous minutes.
Suggestion —- knock down the nearby Scientology Center and put up a Walmart (a clean one).
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8/26 - “Tuxedo t-shirts”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 26, 2008
We’ve all seen those tuxedo t-shirts with the bow-tie and dress shirt buttons printed right on the front. I was wondering, are these shirts still funny, and if not, were they ever? I suppose the first time somebody wore one to a formal event, it was probably awesome and hilarious, but in 2008?
Wearing these shirts to work (even if a casual environment), or just in your daily life is just sort of dumb at this point. I suggest you do what I do with all my old t-shirts that I refuse to throw out —— wear them to either work out in, or to sleep in.
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8/25 - “Bathroom attendants”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 25, 2008
I’m talking about those guys at the bar/club/lounge that hand you the paper towel after you’ve finished washing your hands. Listen buddy, everybody should have a right to make a buck, but I’ve been getting my own paper towels out of the dispenser probably since I’ve been 4 years old.
I have no problem with offering/selling any of the items in there —– gum, cigarettes, etc. If I were to ever use a spray of the cologne on the counter, I suppose a tip would be in order — but don’t fucking hand me something I can get myself, and then try to make me feel guilty for not tipping you.
As they hand me the paper towel, they always give me that same sad look and nod. I can’t wait til the day when instead of handing me the paper towel, there’s a guy there pressing the button on the electric hand dryer for me.
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8/23 - “Once you give ‘em money, you can say anything”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 23, 2008
I passed by this guy who I assumed was homeless, and in a rare moment of jovial generosity, I happened to have some change in my pocket I choose to give to him. This guy was wearing a Raiders shirt, and since I gave him money, I figured this gives me free reign to talk shit about the Raiders.
I mean, if this guy wasn’t going to allow me to rip the Raiders, I would have asked for my money back!
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8/21 - “Good season, can count the humiliations on one hand”
By The Stabbing Pen | August 21, 2008
Well, our LA Parks Department Double-A Recreation baseball team, the Blue Sox, have finally reached the conclusion to our season. We finished 9-6, and made the playoffs — not a bad season. However, I can still recall 3 moments of intense humiliation from it.
The first one is the most obvious. I’m referring to our 12-0 loss, which was our quick exit out of the first round of the playoffs.
I can’t forget my wonderful 0 for 5 game early in the season either, in which I struck out 4 times, and popped out in my final at-bat. In an effort to achieve some form of symmetry, I was sure to strike out twice swinging, and also twice looking. It was a “feng shui golden sombrero.” I just couldn’t hit the pitcher’s curveball at all, and every time I took it, it was a strike.
As much as I’ve been trying to forget that, it doesn’t even compare to taking a shit in the bathroom at the Algin Sutton field. I mean, I wouldn’t necessarily describe the surrounding area as the ghetto — but it was definitely in that vicinity.
THERE WERE NO STALL DOORS. It wasn’t an ideal situation, but I had to go. There was no choice. There’s an obvious reason why I don’t want to join the military. I also intend on avoiding any time spent in prison.
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