10/8 - “Why don’t they call it that?”
By The Stabbing Pen | October 8, 2008
You know, that weird spot behind your knee where your leg bends. Although, it’s not a place where pubic hair grows, it’s still a crevice where one sweats. You’re leg-pit!
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10/7 - “How smart is my cat?”
By The Stabbing Pen | October 7, 2008
Being sick today, I stayed home from work. I’m wondering what my cat was thinking. “What are you doing home on a weekday?” Does that cat know I’m sick, and understand the concept of sick days? Does the cat understand weekdays vs. weekends? MY CAT IS A GENIUS. SHE MIGHT.
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10/6 - “Take this, avoid hangovers”
By The Stabbing Pen | October 6, 2008
Such annoying products. Not that I’ve ever tried any of these pills, solutions, or whatever they are, but I’m skeptical. Why don’t the creators of such products focus on something more useful to humanity? I understand the market demand, and the right to make money, but to me such a product just isn’t a very noble one in which to invest time and money.
Besides, if you want to avoid a hangover, it’s pretty simple. DON’T DRINK SO FUCKING MUCH.
And if you do drink excessively, drink some water too, and don’t drink on an empty stomach. You know, the guidelines human beings have been using for probably the past thousand years or so.
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10/5 - “Not so fast”
By The Stabbing Pen | October 5, 2008
I remember several years ago having a conversation with someone about one of my favorite films of all time, Back to the Future. In the film, in order to travel through time, this Delorean must travel 88 MPH.
88 MPH? Honestly, it’s not really that fast. I mean, it’s fast enough to get ticketed, but this was fiction. Why not have the car have to go 110 MPH to travel through time? Actually fuck that, 160 MPH!
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10/3 - “2-ply toilet paper: highly inefficient”
By The Stabbing Pen | October 3, 2008
When it comes to toilet paper, I’ve come to realize the importance of purchasing that of the “soft” variety. Other than that, I don’t really have much of a preference of type or brand.
It occured to me that 2-play toilet paper is very much a waste. I’M AN ENVIRONMENTALIST NOW. Think about it. Different bathroom activities (types of shits per se) require different amounts of toilet paper usage. Instead of continually using 2-ply, and wasting double the paper just…
…FOLD 1-PLY PAPER IN HALF LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.
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10/2 - “Really scared of getting killed by a train”
By The Stabbing Pen | October 2, 2008
Pretty much every time I’m driving and about to go over some train tracks, I get nervous. I mean, even if the arm is up, what if it’s malfunctioning and there really is a train coming?
But Adam, wouldn’t you hear the train coming?
No, not necessarily, depending on the radio volume. What do you expect me to do, turn my radio down for 2 seconds?
What if I’m listening to “Eternal Hope” by Kevin MacLeod, and it’s around the 2:20 mark……when the hope is really starting to kick in.
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10/1 - “Sure, I’ll take my boots off…and smack you in the face with them”
By The Stabbing Pen | October 1, 2008
Somehow I was recently able to walk into The Belmont (a fairly classy bar/restaurant) wearing shorts, flip-flops, and a white t-shirt. Yet, the other day we try to walk into The Happy Ending (a nothing post-collegy bar), and my friend received all sorts of grief for wearing “boots.”
YES, I know I am in LA, and boots aren’t exactly popular footwear, but my friend just moved here from the east coast. After the door-mofo checked with his manager, they allowed us all inside, but the hold-up was ridiculous.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH BOOTS? Is it because boots aren’t “fancy” enough for some shithole bar? Are boots just so out of style in this town that they aren’t allowed? Does wearing boots carry some sort of connotation to gangs? I don’t know.
I don’t get how sneakers, which are sloppier than boots, are cool.
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9/30 - “Gaseous unborn children”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 30, 2008
With a co-worker of mine 7 months into her pregnancy, it’s possible that this is the most amount of time I’ve ever really been around a pregnant woman in my life. I HAVE QUESTIONS.
For example, if the mother is having some stomach pains, how does she know if she just has a stomach ache, or if it’s baby-related stuff? If the baby has a stomach ache, does she then have one as well, automatically?
If the baby farts, does it smell “inside” the mother? If the mother has gas, does the baby then have gas too? Can the woman create her own smelly farts, and then with a good moral conscience actually blame her unborn child for the odor?
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9/29 - “Philosophy”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 29, 2008
Bozzz: Time doesn’t exist.
Me: We can debate that.
Bozzz: I don’t have time to.
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9/28 - “Best way to make weight…”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 28, 2008
…is by going on a tapeworm diet, right?
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9/27 - “You know who I look like…”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 27, 2008
“You know who you remind me of…you look like that actor, whatshisname…” PEOPLE LOOK LIKE PEOPLE, yes.
Perhaps in your own life you’ve been repeatedly reminded that you look like a particular celebrity. That’s fine. However, anybody who just straight up tells you “I look like ___ “ is a complete egomaniac.
If throughout your life people have been telling you that you look like Richard Karn (Al, from Home Improvement), it’s okay to repeat to people you meet that you think you look like Richard Karn. (OTHERS HAVE THOUGHT SO, TOO)
But without even being told it, and then going around saying “I look like Tom Cruise, I look like Jennifer Love Hewitt,” well that’s just delusional egomania.
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9/25 - “All photos at once”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 25, 2008
Whether it’s at some sort of press conference, show, or any type of event, you’ll often be asked not to shoot photographs. Cameras might not even be allowed inside the venue. WHY NOT? Recently Dave went to some sort of Q&A with Spike Lee and Whoopi Goldberg. NO CAMERAS.
What is the friggin’ problem? All you have to is announce, “Okay everyone, for the next 15 seconds you all can take photos if you’d like.” Just designate a few seconds for photo time. Not difficult.
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9/24 - “Fuck Pizza Hut and their trickery”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 24, 2008
Pizza Hut is something I’ll eat maybe twice a year, and soon after consumption, I’ll experience incredible regret (internally). Anyway, you may or may not have seen these commercials they’re running on TV in which they replace “restaurant pasta” with that of Pizza Hut.
At one point a title pops up, “Actual Footage,” or something along those lines. Once the clientele is told they’re eating Pizza Hut food, they are shocked, if not pleasantly surprised.
THIS IS ALL COMPLETE BULLSHIT. There’s no possible way it’s a hidden camera for one thing, because it just doesn’t look like it is at all. Also, if you eat in a good restaurant, and then somebody tells you that you are eating Pizza Hut, gagging followed by anger is a much more likely reaction.
Most of all though, what moron wouldn’t know that they are eating processed awfulness?
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9/23 - “Ah, I feel better”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 23, 2008
Sometimes when we bump into somebody we’ve met before, and have forgotten their name, it can be obvious to this other person. We humans are never more relieved than when it’s confirmed they’ve forgotten our name too!
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9/21 - “What else is on the menu, bitch?”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 21, 2008
Heather Mills recently donated a MILLION DOLLARS worth of vegan food to a poor neighborhood. Seemingly a nice gesture, but is that all that is available? Are those below the poverty line typically vegans? How many “new age” homeless people have you come across?
Heather Mills wants you to be healthy. Whatever. Soy (which her food probably contains), when eaten in large and frequent amounts causes “man-boobs.” I don’t know about you, but I pretty much already hate poor people, and definitely don’t want them to have man-boobs. She has the money, Jesus. At least give these people some dignity and some reasonable options dammit —instead of torturing them for what in all likelihood is some kinda bizarre personal agenda.
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9/20 - “Not a pedophile!”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 20, 2008
Another story from the film set —- In this particular scene I was at a wedding, and sitting at a table with 3 or 4 other people. In the midst of an intense debate between Wendy’s and In & Out Burger, I confessed my affection for 13 year old red-headed girls. I was referring to the cartoon girl from the fast-food chain’s logo, and OBVIOUSLY I WAS KIDDING AROUND.
Right on cue, I completely forgot that the scene takes place at a wedding, and I just happened to be sitting at a table with “one of the cousins” ——– a 13 year old red-headed girl. WHOOPS.
Luckily, she didn’t hear me. Hopefully, I’ll never jokingly confess my love for Ronald McDonald with another clown in close proximity.
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9/18 - “More on quarters / retarded soda machine from heaven”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 18, 2008
When I was recently trying to hunt down some quarters for laundry, I recalled a “trick” we used to do in college. Inside my residence hall during my freshman year there was a soda machine on the 2nd floor. I’m not quite sure if the following applies to many machines, but if it does, I hope I’m not ruining this secret for all that have been benefiting from it.
Quite simply, first you slide a dollar into slot. Next (when nobody is looking), unplug the machine itself. Then, after a few seconds, plug the machine back in. Hit the “receive change” button, and voila! —- your dollar will spit back out…as well as your 25 cents change this dumb machine thinks it owes you. I love(d) it.
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9/17 - “Change for the sake of change?”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 17, 2008
Needing a few quarters to play pool at the Barney’s Beanery, I slipped a couple of dollar bills into the change machine. As the quarters were spouting out, some guy in the vicinity pointed out to me that there is a slot to put in quarters too.
Maybe we were both missing something, but what the hell is the point of that? Putting in quarters to get quarters back? Then I had the thought that maybe the slot was for nickels and dimes, in order to exchange those for quarters, but the guy I was talking to said that wasn’t the case either.
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9/15 - “Alternative fundraisers”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 15, 2008
Usually people will run for charity, or even ride their bike. “For each mile I go, I ask that you donate a small amount that will go toward cancer (or whatever) research. Certainly I would consider it a win-win situation since the individual participating is getting exercise, and money is going to a worthy cause.
In actuality though, it’s really most important that the money gets to the people who need it most. So what’s the point of running at all?
For me, I would prefer to challenge myself in another way to raise money. What about watching TV for charity? Perhaps listening to music? If I watch 270+ episodes of Cheers in a row, or listen to the entire Beatles discography (in one sitting), all I’m asking is that you give me a few bucks for each episode/song. It’s for a good cause!
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9/14 - “Robot orgy”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 14, 2008
This weekend I volunteered to help a friend out by being an extra in a movie he’s currently filming. The film mostly takes place during a wedding, and one of my duties was to dance during a few scenes. In a scene which apparently required 15 takes, a group of others and myself were asked to do “the robot.”
It was late in the day, and I think most of the cast and crew were becoming tired and somewhat delirious. I think so because by about take #13, a “robot orgy” had ensued. One girl was giving a robot-blowjob to a guy who was sticking his robot thumb up my ass. At the same time, I was robot-spanking a girl who was being robot-fingered by a guy who was giving a girl robot-doggie — that same girl that was robot-blowing.
Sick people. Perhaps a diagram was necessary for all this.
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9/13 - “Right back where I started from”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 13, 2008
I know it’s only because of man-made geographical borders, but I always through it was pretty ridiculous that when I used to drive up to college in Syracuse, NY from Long Island, the route itself was fairly ridiculous.
I would start off in Long Island, NY, then go through New Jersey, then through Pennsylvania, and then end up back in NY. Seems sort of crazy go through 2 states just to end up where I originally started.
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9/12 - “Carson Daly defies logic”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 12, 2008
The one human being on planet earth that actually looks better less skinny.
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9/11 - “The worst thing you can do is fart”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 11, 2008
Recently somebody passed me a link to this product:
http://www.thrillist.com/archives/2008/09/subtle_butt_la_los_angeles_gadgets_grooming.html
You stick it between your butt cheeks and it filters the odor released when you fart.
GOD FORBID SOMEBODY SMELLS YOUR FART. THE WORLD WILL END. THE EARTH WILL CRUMBLE. YOU WILL NEVER GET LAID AGAIN. YOU WILL GET FIRED FROM YOUR JOB. NOBODY WILL LIKE YOU. YOU WILL BE OSTRACIZED FROM THE COMMUNITY.
If a person is really farting that often and they stink that much, they oughta see a doctor as opposed to doing the typically American thing —— attempting to cover it up with a piece of shit product.
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9/9 - “We’re all addicted to Krackel”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 9, 2008
With Halloween not all that far away, I figured why not share some thoughts about candy. Anytime there is bag of mini-Hershey’s chocolates nearby, the same eating pattern always becomes evident.
A bag typically consists Hershey’s milk chocolate, dark chocolate, mr. Goodbar, and Krackel. 99% of the time, all the “Krackels” will be gone first, usually within minutes. PEOPLE LOVE KRACKEL. That is all.
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9/8 - “Breaking down video with Bill Belichick”
By The Stabbing Pen | September 8, 2008
With the NFL season in full swing and football on the mind, I’ve come up with a wonderful concept that I wish I had the means follow through on. An important part of game preparation in the past few decades has undoubtedly been the “breaking down,” of game film for purposes of reviewing what went right with the team, but probably more important what went wrong —- What plays worked well and what plays didn’t, how to prepare for the next “match-up.”
This should exist for when I meet girls. If I could watch the tape later, study her body language, my body language, and what “angle” I took, I think this would prove to be very beneficial to the development of my “skills.”
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